Lesslee Dort

There is quite a bit of chatter surrounding the topic of self. Articles and blogs talk about building our self-worth. Turn on a talk show and, inevitably, there will be someone pontificating on our need to learn to value ourselves. There are so many other self-words being flung around: self-esteem, self-reliance, and self-compassion, to name a few. Self-confidence. Self-defense. Self-governing. The list is long.

Perhaps that is why I was surprised by the card I received the other day. While the social reason for sending it escapes me, its message was clear. The writer of the note wanted me to know I mattered. But it went beyond that with one humble, three-word sentence: I appreciate you. The bold and straightforwardness of it stopped me in my tracks.

Absent was any fluffy language scattered around to build it up or hide it. There’s no escape for the writer or reader. Those three words send an unmistakable message. It was as clear and loud as a whisper. The reader can’t help but pay attention. I felt valued.

“No one can make you feel … without your consent.” Eleanor Roosevelt was talking about how others can’t make us feel inferior without our consent or permission. Freedom comes from within. That has been drilled into me ever since my college days of psychology classes. We are the masters of our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.

The amount of power people essentially had over me was expanded back in the early part of my marriage. My husband and I moved to town and were invited to a marriage encounter weekend. I protested lightly, saying we have a strong relationship and we don’t need counseling. The group assured us it wasn’t about that. It was about celebrating the relationship with one another, strengthening our bond, and rejoicing. And yes, maybe we’d learn a few techniques that would help us if, at some point, our marriage did become a bit more difficult in spots. So, we went to the marriage encounter weekend.

It was held on the shores of an inland lake with private cottages dotted across a beautiful piece of property. We were serenaded in the morning, given writing exercises to help us talk about key aspects of a relationship, and pampered for 36 hours. It was simply a beautiful celebration of marriage. We volunteered with the group after that weekend for some time because we so believed in their focus of marriage as both an institution and a living relationship that needs work and attention daily.

The theme of one writing assignment stays with us today: how we speak to and about each other matters. A strong relationship, whether marriage, friendship, or business, needs positive, honest open communication. We need repeated reinforcement that our presence and contributions matter. Otherwise, we wilt. Our self-talk changes. We wear down. We begin to feel undervalued, if not worthless. We allow ourselves to believe and own the external messaging, even if it is less than positive.

I believe that what we say to ourselves (self-talk) is critical to how we feel about ourselves (self-worth). I’m among those who believe that our views and treatment of ourselves are a direct indicator of how we behave and treat others in this world. But if we are only focusing on ourselves, we are missing the great majority of our environment. That would certainly bring some other self-words bubbling to the top: self-involved and selfish come to mind. We need to build others up, too.

All the work that we’ve been doing on ourselves is valuable. But it shouldn’t supersede manners, respect, and common decency toward others. I’ve long believed that respect leads to value, and value leads to trust. But it always begins with respect. Respect for self, respect for others.

Each and every day, we need to attend to relationships that are important to us. If you care about an individual, you should make sure they know. If they have made a positive difference in your life, tell them.

In this world that is so self-involved, relationships matter more than ever. Yes, they take work and require attention. But, the rewards for all involved are great.

Lesslee Dort is a board-certified patient advocate who firmly believes knowledge is power when it comes to being in control of one’s health. She spends her days helping others navigate their healthcare. Reach Lesslee via email – regardingthejourney@lesslee.com. Read her here the third Thursday of each month.