Darby Hinkley

When your child surpasses your maturity level, you have arrived.

Just where you’ve arrived is unclear. But I’ve been there for a while now, and my kid is 16.

I suppose I’ve arrived at the realization that I’m carrying on the tradition my dad started, the tradition of being a child trapped in an adult’s body. We used to say he was an 8-year-old trapped in a man’s body, but, when he turned 70, we put a “9” candle on his cake, saying he finally graduated to age 9.

I’m pretty sure I’m a 13-year-old trapped in a woman’s body.

I mean, I find inappropriate jokes uproariously funny, and I laugh at my own jokes before anybody else does. Yet I don’t stop. If it’s funny, it’s funny, as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone’s feelings. I ride that line a lot.

My main shtick is perfecting the “insultliment.” That’s a compliment wrapped in an insult, or vice versa, but, either way, it makes for a great party trick if you’re trying to make people feel uncomfortable and possibly lose friends.

Here’s an example of an insultliment:

“Gee, Margaret, that dress looks lovely on a person of your size.”

It has to be subtly weird and open for interpretation.

Here’s another:

“Gosh, Daryl, this cake tastes great for something made out of a box.”

The goal is a furrowed brow and a confused “Thank you?”

I’ve considered writing a bathroom book on the subtle art of the insultliment. A bathroom book stays near the toilet for those who enjoy reading while on the john. I am not one of those people.

Also, I’m sorry to anyone named John. Why would they name a toilet after you? If it makes you feel any better, it’s thought to be named after the royal guy who invented the toilet, Sir John Harington. So maybe, in a way, that’s an insultliment, as well.

You may be thinking, “but you’re being rude.”

Am I, though? Is honesty rude now?

I suppose it’s always been considered rude to straight up say what everyone else is thinking. But I’d rather have a friend tell me I have broccoli in my teeth before I give a presentation than for no one to mention it at all. I like honesty, and I can take a joke — most of the time.

It took me a while, as I used to overreact dramatically when someone insulted or offended me. Perhaps I’ve matured in that way, but I definitely would rather surround myself with good-humored, honest, fun-loving folks than those who just want to tell me what they think I want to hear. If my dinner sucks, just say it. Then I learn, and I can do better next time. If my writing sucks, however, keep it to yourself. Just kidding. I think.

I also get a real kick out of physical comedy. If someone trips, or sleds into a shed, or falls off a porch, I’m rolling. As long as no one is actually injured, and as long as the person it happened to is also laughing, I don’t see any harm in a good chuckle.

I used to love watching “America’s Funniest Home Videos,” which is still on the air and is the longest-running primetime entertainment show in the history of ABC. Now in its 35th season, and now abbreviated “AFV,” the show premiered in 1989, when I was 8 years old. It was basically the start of the viral video clip, so I’m kind of amazed it’s still on the air, since you can look up funny videos online 24/7 on a wide variety of platforms now. But there are still cash prizes for the top three videos on “AFV,” so maybe that’s why it’s still a successful show.

I also like the nostalgia of sitting down with family to watch a funny show together, as opposed to everyone in the room being separately on their phones while the TV is on in the background.

Laughing is fun and hilarious, if you think about it. Wild noises burst out of our mouths when we are amused? How does that happen? I don’t know the science behind it, but I’m glad we have laughter. My son said to me the other night, after I probably made some moronic joke that only I laughed at, “Why do you have 80 different laughs, and they’re all weird?”

I do have many strange laughs, and they do whatever they want, whenever they want. My laughter has been compared to a dolphin, a squirrel, and even a bear when I do my muffled grunt laugh. Oh, and, once in a while, I sound like an old man who’s been smoking three packs of Marlboro Reds a day for the last six decades. I never know when that one’s gonna hit, but it even surprises me when it does.

In short, I’m easily amused by almost anything a young teen would think is funny. Laughing is essential to my sanity, which may or may not still be intact.

I hope you find time to laugh today. It’s good for the soul.

Darby Hinkley may act like a junior high kid, but she is, in fact, a 43-year-old adult woman. If you have any jokes for her, send them to dhinkley@thealpenanews.com. Call her at 989-358-5691.