We will all be involved in conflicts in our lives — with friends, family, neighbors, coworkers, significant others, and strangers.

Conflict is normal and shouldn’t ruin a relationship when dealt with properly.

There are some behaviors that people engage in during conflict that should be avoided, because such behaviors are unfair and ineffective. If such behaviors show up, they will likely lead to increased friction between those involved in the conflict.

Let’s explore those behaviors.

Avoid passive-aggressive behavior. Passive-aggressive behavior is an indirect resistance to another person or their demands and is an avoidance of conflict.

Passive-aggressive behaviors include things like purposefully not telling someone they received an important piece of mail and instead letting it sit on the counter for them to notice because you are upset by something they did or said. Another example is leaving someone’s favorite mug in the sink instead of washing it with the other dishes because you are upset about something.

I once experienced passive-aggressive behavior from a coworker. The person was not happy that I was taking over part of her responsibilities, and, instead of talking about it, she engaged in passive-aggressive behaviors that were designed to make me look bad. For example, if I asked for a file or information on something I was trying to learn, she would give me some of the information but not all of it, knowing I wouldn’t know there was something missing and that it would make me look bad or make it more challenging for me to do my job.

Another behavior to avoid is belt lining. It is like hitting below the belt in boxing.

Hitting below the belt is not allowed in boxing because it unfairly targets a vulnerable area on the opponent.

Belt lining in conflict is the same idea. When we engage in belt lining, we attack someone where they are most vulnerable, and it often has nothing to do with the conflict at hand.

For example, if we know someone has had a strained relationship with their parent for some time, we might use that during conflict to shut things down by saying, “It’s no wonder your mom argues with you. You’re impossible.” Or we might mention an area of a person’s life we know they are sensitive about, such as, “Well, it’s a good thing you don’t have kids, because you’d be a terrible parent acting like this.”

Belt lining is unfair, hurtful, and does not belong in conflict.

We should focus on the problem at hand only.

We should also avoid gunny sacking. Gunny sacking is when we store up grievances with someone without saying anything about the issue at the time. Then, at some point, we hit our breaking point and dump the entire sack of stored grievances out and bombard someone with them all at once.

That is unfair because we allowed them to believe we were fine with whatever the behaviors were when they happened.

The better practice would be to address each issue as it occurs.

It is also unfair to continually bring up conflicts from the past even after we have resolved them.

Once a conflict is resolved, it should not be brought up again unless it’s a new instance of the conflict.

I see that most often in romantic relationships. If a couple does the work to get past something (an argument, infidelity, etc.) and agrees that they are going to move forward, then that instance or experience is not allowed to be used as ammunition against the person any longer.

Never agree that you are over something if you really are not. That can be very challenging, because it often takes a significant amount of time to rebuild trust and prove through consistent actions that things are different.

But, for the best results, avoid using past resolved issues in current conflicts.

Lastly, we should keep our reactions to our emotions in control during conflict.

Emotions can flare during conflict, and that can lead us to taking emotionally charged actions. Emotionally charged actions are not usually the best reaction to situations. We may say things we know we shouldn’t say or do things we know we would be better off not doing.

Without getting too much into an emotional intelligence conversation, it is important to remember that understanding our emotions and responses to them is key to productive conflict and meaningful relationships.

If we are able to avoid those destructive behaviors, we are more likely to have healthy relationships and productive conflicts that bring about value to our relationships instead of resentment and division.

Jackie Krawczak is president of Jackie Krawczak LLC. Her column runs every three weeks on Thursdays. Follow Jackie on X @jkrawczak.